Friday, September 15, 2006

Just Let Me Be Somebody's Mom

The reality of the wait going to 18-24 months is starting to set in. I had been denying it but I just wasn't being fair to myself. China is taking a very long time to process dossiers. If this rate keeps going we won't be traveling to get Mia until at least late summer 2007. This is the next time we will hear anything about her. Until then we sit through this torturous wait. I feel like I am literally going insane. I hold it all in every day so that I can function in my daily activities. But it is so hard to hold in.
Today a very close friend of mine told me she is pregnant again. Am I happy for her? Of course I am. I am sooo very excited that she has been given the gift of giving life to another child. I couldn't be happier for her. Really! Is it killing me inside? Yes. You see, we had been trying to have a child for over a year when she got pg with her first child. She had him and he is now 17 months old. Now she is pg with #2 and will probably have this baby before we get Mia. This wouldn't be so depressing for me, but this is the 2nd friend of mine that has had 2 children during the time we have been trying to have our first. I keep referring back to the letter the adopted child wrote to God 4 posts down. I keep telling myself that there is some reason that we are suffering through all this sadness and heartbreak while others are experiencing such joy in their lives. But I can't figure it out. Why? Why me? Why have you chosen me for this? I don't want it! Just take it back and give me my child. Make me a mother and let me move on with my life. I can't take it any more. I am apparently not as strong as you think I am. Just give me my baby. If you want to do something helpful - go to China and help them get through all those dossiers so that all those people with files sitting on shelves at the CCAA can have their babies.
Going back to my friend. I am sure she will read this. And I am sure it will make her cry. And for that I am sorry. Truly sorry. I love her like she is one of my sisters and, again, I am so very very happy for her. But these are my feelings and this is my blog. I need to get this out. Holding it in is just killing me.
I know there are many of you out there who feel the same way. Many of you who find it hard to get through each day without crying. Many of you who dream of having a child in your arms one day soon. Many of you who curse at the stars that you have so hopefully wished upon. Many of you, like me, who just want to me somebody's mom. To experience the love a child can give. To gaze into those beautiful eyes, kiss those puffy cheeks, and caress that soft hair. Give me the screaming, crying, dirty diaper, runny nose child. I will take her. I will love her. I will be her mommy. That's all I ask. Just give me my child.

(I am fine. Really. I just had to get that out....Thanks for listening. - Friend--- I love you!)


Heather C. & Keira said...

All I can do is send you great big hugs from me and a huge kiss from Keira!

Karen said...

I am right there with you. Friends pregnant and their lives moving forward while mine is at a standstill (2+ years). When is it our turn for happiness? It is depressing, maddening, and debilitating. I am soooo sick of it. I just want to be a mommie! I want my daughter! Thank you for this post cause I have been so sad lately and so tired of feeling bad. Where are our babies?
I also don't talk about it to many people cause I am OVER silver cloud lining answers that people give me.
{{HUGS}} and hoping a time machine arrives soon!

Michelle said...

I'm with you too. I don't think I can take one more person telling me they are pregnant. It is so hard to stay positive during this whole process. It helps to know that there are other people out there feeling the same way.

Valeri said...

Your post sounds like I could have written it! I get so depressed and upset about everything, too. All my friends and co-workers are having babies, while we just sit and wait. It's so hard to fight the green eyed envy monster churning inside of me. I just want to experience the same joy and happiness everyone else has been feeling. When will it be our turn????

Shannon said...

Yep,I just came back from the hospital visiting a close friend and meeting her baby #2. Love my friend dearly, but it does make me ache to hold my own.

Hugs to all of us wating.

(P.S. Great song for the moment).

Elise said...

I am sorry that you are going through this heart ache. You sound like a good friend and your friends will appreciate your honesty. Hugs, Elise

Kathy and Joel said...

I feel so much of what you write about and it makes me really stop to think about what my own emotions are at this point. Right now, I find it really difficult to even believe that this adoption wil be successful given all the loss that we have experienced over the past six years. If I can give you anything, it is the knowledge that you are not alone. Keep that chin up. :)

Stacy said...

As everyone has said, You are not alone. My sister-in-law has now had two children in the time that we have been trying to have one. I cried for two days when I found out she was pregnant with number two. I love her and the baby. It just made me ache not to be able to do something that seems so easy for some.

The hardest is when one of my students tell me they are pregnant. This year I have four who are having babies. It isn't fair, but there is a reason. Sometimes it is just so hard to see.


Lee-Anne said...

Mia Lin, is not a figment of your imagination. She is very real. I've been told that the moment you see your referral, the wait is a distant memory. I know that's not helpful in lightening your heavy heart...
When I'm sad, I go into Bella's room, pull out some of the gear I've bought for her, do some mixing and matching with her clothes etc... rearrange her closet (again)
then I feel better!!!

holly said...

I think it's very brave of you to post your feelings out there.
My thoughts are that the wait is so much harder for those of you who have gone through so much to become parents.
I bitch about the wait - but I have to remember that I've been a Mom for 23 yrs, and loved every minute of it.
Your still trying to achieve that joy; and it's got to be so very painful.
Hugs to you!

Colleen said...

DITTO!!! There are so many of us on this same damn boat it is going to sink!!

All I can pray for is some positive news this week and that the CCAA matched into August. Oh god please make it come true.

Here's hoping..

Doris & Dan Clark said...

I hear you. I hope that you are feeling more positive. Allow yourself to go to the dark spot but come into the light. Need a hand? I am there if you do.

I have felt that at one time and another. It is hard but we will get through it. Everyday we move closer and closer to our little ones. I know it feels so far away but take it as it comes and you will make it.

Keep smilin!

PromiseKeepersDaughter said...

wow, I thought I was being selfish and feeling sorry for myself and kept shaking it off but since you put it that way I guess I am only human to feel this way! My Bestfriend had a baby and I am happy for her it just hurt when she said it wasn't planned. It may have been to cover her own guilt I don't know but after a few months of her avoiding talking about her pregnancy I finally confronted her and asked her to share her experiance with me instead of hiding it from me, she cried and said it was just uncomportable for her as she knew how badly my husband and I were wanting to become pregnant. Since then she has had a beautiful baby boy and he is adorable, I got to the hospital 4 hours after she had him and as I held him I cried and she said "Deb please don't" and I had to explain that the were tears of joy not hurt. I have seen 5-6 babies born to our church and there are I think 6 more pregnant! I know how hard it must be for them to tell me but I don't like this cloud over my head that people see because sure it is there but the sun peaks threw more than they know. I feel truly blessed to have so many children being born around me I feel like I'm sharing this expectancy with all of them.
You will get to the end of your rainbow and what a happy day it will be.