Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Let Go and Let...Who?


I am going to take a minute to be really catty right now. I am going to respond to an email I got today because it wasn't the first time someone has said this to me during this adoption process. I am sorry if I make this person upset because it came from someone who I truly adore and respect. Here is the thing...

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to truly let God take over my life. And when I can turn all of my life's decisions over to Him, then He will listen and give me what I need.

I find this to be utter bullshit. (Oh this person also told me I should stop cussing.) Yes -- I believe in God. I pray to Him nightly along with my guardian angel. I do believe that there is someone looking over me in my life. I believe that is why I haven't totally gone insane as of yet. But... of everything I have been through in my life and all the prayers I have sent His way, no good has come of it. Nothing. Not one iota of anything from any of the prayers I have sent up. I get no response, nothing good comes my way. And when it does it gets shot down. So I am back to nothing again. I have tried, believe me I have tried to let God take control of my life and it didn't really work out for me that great. I continue to ask Him to "take the wheel" and help me to understand what His plan is for me, even with all the sorrow I have in my heart. Yes I have a lot of anger in my life which I release by cussing on my blog. But I am trying in my life, really hard, to understand why God keeps throwing so much misery my way. Why can't I have some good news for once? I don't understand why happiness comes so easily for some and nothing but negative comes for others. Maybe one day God can sit me down and explain all this. But as of right now I don't understand and no one can tell me why. I tried to let God take over and nothing seemed to happen so I gave up.

I don't really believe that if you don't fully give yourself to God that He won't help you. Doesn't really make sense to me from what I have read of the bible. Seems to me that even if I AM cursing Him, he will still love me and watch over me. That is what is so great about God, right?

Truth is, this email came at a really bad time for me. Today wasn't a great day. One of those days where something positive comes your way and then gets taken away. So this happens and then I sit down to read that email.

I think once you have been in my shoes for as long as I have been shuffling in them, you become numb to some things and start to lose belief and faith in things that you once held dear. Some may disagree with this but that is just how I feel. Only my closest and dearest friends know EXACTLY what ringer my emotions have been through and only they truly understand the emotion behind my words. They see the tears, the frustration, the longing to be a mother, the depression... Unless you have walked in my shoes you really can't begin to understand the pain I have been through. It is like an open wound festering in my heart and soul. It consumes me.
With the wait for China slowing down every day, who knows what the future holds for us. Who knows when I will see my child's face for the first time. For some reason, someone is making me wait a torturously long time with no explanation. And I don't like it. So forgive me if I cuss on my blog.

13 comments:

Gem and James said...

Hi, big hug, I know words cant speed the wheel of time, but hang in there, Gem x

bbmomof2boys said...

Hey - ya know what? It's YOUR blog!!! You do with it what YOU want, you write what YOU want!! If someone doesn't like it they they don't have to read it. We all have our beliefs and shame on that person who emailed you that tried to force you to her beliefs.

I'm a few months behind you in the line but we will get our babies. Hang in there chick - it will happen.

~Carla

Teri said...

I'm with Carla.

As long as you believe, no one should try to tell you how to practice.

You're just fine the way you are..

Beth said...

If one can't cuss on ones blog where pray tell is one supposed to cuss?

Your blog, your rules.

Hang tough we will get there.

Beth
LID 4/19/06

redmaryjanes said...

I'm sorry that life is a nightmare right now. I just look at it like there's nothing I can do about the China situation, I'm not going to give up, so I'm just going to have to suffer through and deal with it-inspiring huh?
As for God, I have had some dry spells in my life. He's still there. I'll try to send a word up hoping He'll bring something your way to make you smile.
As for cussing, it's your blog. Anyone who knows the situation you're in knows a little cussing is in order.

Dawn and Dale said...

Aren't unanswered prayers the worst???!!

I figure we will never know the answers to all the why's we have. Not here anyway.

When I get really really discouraged, I love to read this poem I found called "WAIT". I have a link on my sidebar for this poem. I have to believe that there is a reason for what exactly we all are going through at each time.

You are right, no one will ever understand what is it really is like to walk in your shoes. But know...we are walking along beside you and we are hear to just listen or even beat on!! lol Whenever you need to!!

Dawn

m_f_monahan said...

Sara,
Hang in there, I know what you are going through because I am traveling though this "never ending" journey with you (LID 1/13/06)! I frequently read you journal because you validate in your journal exactly what I am feeling and I know I am not alone! So rant away! You are helping yourself and others by doing so!You are not alone in your feelings, some of us just can't express them as you can. Thank you so much for expressing yourself exactly how you are feeling!
Michelle M

Valeri said...

Argh....the return of the religious zealots stikes again! I love when people throw their religion in your face and expect you to be okay with it. If I had a dollar for how many people have told me to put all my faith in God and He'll answer all my prayers, I'd have enough money to adopt 10 kids from China by now! Those of us who have suffered through such hardships are entitled to be bitter. We're entitled to our feelings!!! And I can't believe this person had the nerve to criticize your "cussing" on your blog! Crap, that person would think that I'm the Anti-Christ! LOL I'm here if you need to vent.

Steffie B. said...

Unless people have gone through or ARE going through this adoption process....they have no idea how we feel. They can't understand it because they have not opened their hearts to this kind of emotion. I have two bio children and I can tell you that Sophia's adoption and this next daughter I want to bring home from China are the most powerful things I have ever gone through in my life! It is frustrating, I often ask..."God do you hear me"????? We'll get through this and one day all this agony will be gone because our daughters will be home! ;)

Doris & Dan said...

I always say the same thing. This is my life and do not judge me. I do not judge you.

I too pray and ask for answers. I am not sure what the answer is. I wish I did. Perhaps one day we will have them.

Until then, we are here to share this journey to our futures.

Keep smilin!

Melissa-your not secret pal :) said...

Ohhhhhhh Sara, I know exactly how you feel. I'm also feeling very defeated and all the words from those who've adopted and have their child/children are not comforting. I know they mean well, but to my knowledge nothing like this wait has ever happened before. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. But, I don't. I'm on the same road with you and it's a bitch! There, I cussed, too. haha I'm thinking of you, sweetie. Big Hugs :) Melissa

kris said...

Being a person who has suffered more in the last 2 years than ever in my life (divorce, mom's death 8 months after separation, loss of first child, and now one more thing I am not at liberty to talk about-) I have felt what you feel exactly. There is a deep silence between God and I, and I often think God is silent when I pray. I get no answer. At least, none that I can hear. I try to live by this motto, "believe in the slow work of God" and hold onto the truth that maybe things ARE being answered and I'm not aware of it yet. Maybe things don't get answered in the way I want- (like, how about NOW please), you know?

My hope is that suffering is rooted, ultimately, in love. That our deepest pains are what give us the ability to experience our greatest joys. That our sorrow binds us to humanity. That we are, I don't know, PRUNED in some way through our suffering, shaped into stronger people. It's my hope anyway. And I'm the eternal Hopeologist.

On a side note, this is YOUR space, your life, live it out as you see fit. I get tired of the Let Go Let God thing too. But if I keep hearing the same message OVER and over... I sometimes stop and wonder, "is this how God is trying to reach me?"...that's just me, though.

And like Stef said, unless they are going through this adoption process, they don't truly understand the stress of it.

Sara said...

Sara, It's YOUR blog, YOUR feelings, YOUR emotions, YOUR thoughts. I love your blog. Sometimes I read it and have tears and other times you give me a chuckle. You do believe... and that is what matters, nobody has the right to judge you on how you feel at any particular moment/or day.