Monday, November 03, 2008

Bad day, week, month, year, three years...

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”

~Elizabeth Wurtzel



Pretty sure the lady that wrote this quote is suicidal. I am not. but her quote spoke strongly to how I feel on a daily basis. Most people don't know the pain that is in my heart. I don't let them see it. I carry on with a smile on my face. I have gotten pretty good over the years at hiding my true emotions, even to my husband. But inside I feel as though I am dying. When I am alone it seeps out, only to get sucked back in when someone enters the room. This deep sadness, this longing, this empty hole in my heart...it won't go away. I find myself asking "When is it my turn?" "When does my heart begin to heal?" "When do I get a chunk of this happiness everyone else has?" When I do tell someone of my thoughts and feelings, I get the typical responses, "You need to find a hobby to keep busy so you won't think about it..." really? I have done that! several times. But since it is taking so long, I have gotten bored with each hobby I have started... "When this is all over you won't even remember the pain of the wait!" ... well that doesn't help me out now does it?



"I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain" ~Chris Daughtry, Home.


Sometimes I think there is no end to this sadness. It seems like just when there is some light of hope shining, someone comes and turns off the damn light switch. I try to stay positive. I try my hardest to not be a pessimist. But the thoughts consume me. It seems like everything that can go wrong, will. I just sit and wait with my heart in the hands of the CCAA in China. There is nothing I can do but wait...

"The miles are getting longer it seems the closer I get to you" ~Chris Daughtry, Home.

For those of you out there reading this who have not been in my shoes... I know I am not alone in my thoughts. I have talked with several adoptive families logged in close to the same time as us (and some who have not even been waiting as long as us!) and they are all feeling the same way. With all the rumors about China closing its doors to international adoption or tightening their regulations of who can adopt even more, everyone is frantic right now. Whoever said adoption is a beautiful thing must have had a quick, uneventful wait! I think it is a beautiful thing with a hairy mole on its ass.


11 comments:

JennyM said...

I'm so sorry you are having a tough day! I have been there and know exactly how you feel. My husband and I waited 3 long years for our international adoption to be completed. We adopted in Russia and I understand the questioning on whether or not the doors to international adoption would be closed while we waited. Russia requires 2 trips and we waited 10 long months in between the time we saw our beautiful girls and when we actually got to go back for our court date (adoption completion).

I was where you were so many times. With Russia invading Georgia earlier this fall (and the US siding with Georgia), I thought the doors to international adoption would be closed for sure. The great unknown is so scary at times.

I know there is nothing that can be said to make you feel better or make the wait better. It truly SUCKS--BIG TIME. I was so sick of all my friends getting pregnant (again and again) and telling me to be thankful that I didn't have kids.

Hang in there. The low days are low--and chocolate seemed to help every time. :)

Rhonda said...

I SO understand. Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom for you, just know that you're not alone in this.

Lisa said...

I have been there so I know what you speak.

I'm sooo sorry that you are going through this. I truly believe that you WILL have your baby soon.

Just tie a knot at the end of your rope and keep on swinging. We'll all be there for the times that you fall off and we'll help you back up.

Sarah H said...

I have no words either. Just know that we are praying that your hard days are short and few!

Sarah H

Kayce said...

I'm so sorry things are rough right now. You are so close, just a little bit more. As I always say for LIDversarys...Keep the faith. Soon Mia will be in your arms and your tough wait will be a thing of the past. Many Many HUGS!

Mom 2 six said...

Sara- I am here right with you since almost day one...I won't pretend to know your pain, but so know that Jill and I feel for you. You will have a child in your arms one day...

Journey to Mia Lynn: said...

Girl, I echo your sentiments exactly. With an LID of 07/20/07 who even knows if we will ever get there? What a cruel joke! We have to decide whether to renew or fingerprints/I-I171-H or whether to cut our losses & bow out. It is time for us to start the process. We have been watching the rumors this past week & wondering if the CCAA was/is about to make the choice for us. This is all just ridiculous & down right sickening. I am to the point of being mad. Right now to be very honest, the agencies are at the top of my list...for reasons I know that you understand. More on that later~

Jen P.

Journey to Mia Lynn: said...

meant to say "I-171H"~typo.

Jen P.

Beth said...

Ya know I too have been told that "when you hold you daughter the wait will melt away". Personally I think that is crap. This feeling is now etched on my heart and it is going to take my death to erase it. I am sure I will feel worlds better when we are home and settled, but this pain is a part of her story.

Karen said...

Yes, some days adoption just sux!

Alyson & Ford said...

I am so sorry for the very long wait. Not much that we can say; we feel very badly and would give hugs. Love does help during the wait. Family. Friends. Hugs. Crying.
I have not blogged about what happens after the trip to China; Beth touched on it; somewhat surreal even after your have your new baby/child. The emptiness and hurt from the years of wait do not automatically go away; more like how one grieves from a miscarriage. The suffering is now a part of our soul.
BUT, there is much happiness and joy when you add to your family. Please remain strong... smiles are optional.

Hope I didn't over step my bounds.

Alyson
Mommy to Alyzabeth for Seven Weeks
LID 01/27/06