“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
Pretty sure the lady that wrote this quote is suicidal. I am not. but her quote spoke strongly to how I feel on a daily basis. Most people don't know the pain that is in my heart. I don't let them see it. I carry on with a smile on my face. I have gotten pretty good over the years at hiding my true emotions, even to my husband. But inside I feel as though I am dying. When I am alone it seeps out, only to get sucked back in when someone enters the room. This deep sadness, this longing, this empty hole in my heart...it won't go away. I find myself asking "When is it my turn?" "When does my heart begin to heal?" "When do I get a chunk of this happiness everyone else has?" When I do tell someone of my thoughts and feelings, I get the typical responses, "You need to find a hobby to keep busy so you won't think about it..." really? I have done that! several times. But since it is taking so long, I have gotten bored with each hobby I have started... "When this is all over you won't even remember the pain of the wait!" ... well that doesn't help me out now does it?
"I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain" ~Chris Daughtry, Home.
Sometimes I think there is no end to this sadness. It seems like just when there is some light of hope shining, someone comes and turns off the damn light switch. I try to stay positive. I try my hardest to not be a pessimist. But the thoughts consume me. It seems like everything that can go wrong, will. I just sit and wait with my heart in the hands of the CCAA in China. There is nothing I can do but wait...
"The miles are getting longer it seems the closer I get to you" ~Chris Daughtry, Home.
For those of you out there reading this who have not been in my shoes... I know I am not alone in my thoughts. I have talked with several adoptive families logged in close to the same time as us (and some who have not even been waiting as long as us!) and they are all feeling the same way. With all the rumors about China closing its doors to international adoption or tightening their regulations of who can adopt even more, everyone is frantic right now. Whoever said adoption is a beautiful thing must have had a quick, uneventful wait! I think it is a beautiful thing with a hairy mole on its ass.