I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. For so many years I doubted my religion. People would always tell me "He won't send you anything He doesn't think you can handle." You've heard that, right? I would always ask myself, "why? Why is this happening to me? Why does God keep sending me all this pain in my life. Why does motherhood come so easily for some and I can't catch a break?" I doubted God and, yes... even cursed him a little. When you are in the depths of your depression it is hard to see the sun through the clouds. All I could think about was the negative. The fact that everything always seemed to turn out for the worse for me. I was in a sad, dark place and I couldn't for the life of me figure why God would keep putting me through this. I don't care how strong He felt I was, I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for it so He could just take it back! That's how I felt.
Now that the clouds have cleared, it is His love that has come shining through and that has spoken to me. Quite clearly I might add. Most of you also know the footprints story... "for it was then that I carried you..." It hit me about a week ago that all along I was thinking of this totally wrong. I now think that line of Him not giving you anything He doesn't think you can handle must have been said by someone who doesn't totally understand God. I have come to know, now that the clouds have cleared, that He is always there with you. He doesn't "send" you trials in your life. He is there to help you through them. When times are tough, it isn't because He wants you to learn a lesson or because you need to value things more deeply... He doesn't send these things your way, He walks beside you, and sometimes carries you through them until you can walk on your own. He's there to lean on when you are weak, when life has dealt you a bad set of cards, when things happen that are beyond your control. Even when you are cursing Him, He will still carry you through. That's the beauty of it all.
Infertility hurts. It hurts deeply and unless you have experienced it, you cannot fully understand the hurt that comes with it. It is the same hurt that is experienced with death. Because, in its own way, infertility is the death of an opportunity that you have dreamed of your whole life. And when you find out what you have always dreamed of cannot happen, you go through a period of grief.
I had to finally make the decision of whether I wanted to be pregnant, or if I wanted to be a mom. In my heart I knew that what I really wanted was to be someone's mom. Because of that, we chose adoption.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yes, I grieved the loss of the emotional and physical feelings that go along with pregnancy, of having a child that looks, talks and acts like you, of people saying "She has your nose". And I still grieve these things today. But looking at my precious daughter and the journey of a lifetime that we experienced on the path to receive her - I wouldn't change for anything. My daughter is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced, the truest love I have ever known and I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.
I am hoping today that my story of losing and finding again my faith will help others experiencing this same pain in their lives. Hang in there, stay strong, hold out hope, stay true to your faith even when you have doubt. He will carry you through to your sunny day.
*hugs and kisses to all*