Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Reflections from an infertile mind

For those of you who know me, I have always been a very spiritual person, but not always a really religious person. I don't like pushy religious people for the most part. However, today I have a story to tell... (Bear with me Valeri...)

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. For so many years I doubted my religion. People would always tell me "He won't send you anything He doesn't think you can handle." You've heard that, right? I would always ask myself, "why? Why is this happening to me? Why does God keep sending me all this pain in my life. Why does motherhood come so easily for some and I can't catch a break?" I doubted God and, yes... even cursed him a little. When you are in the depths of your depression it is hard to see the sun through the clouds. All I could think about was the negative. The fact that everything always seemed to turn out for the worse for me. I was in a sad, dark place and I couldn't for the life of me figure why God would keep putting me through this. I don't care how strong He felt I was, I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for it so He could just take it back! That's how I felt.

Now that the clouds have cleared, it is His love that has come shining through and that has spoken to me. Quite clearly I might add. Most of you also know the footprints story... "for it was then that I carried you..." It hit me about a week ago that all along I was thinking of this totally wrong. I now think that line of Him not giving you anything He doesn't think you can handle must have been said by someone who doesn't totally understand God. I have come to know, now that the clouds have cleared, that He is always there with you. He doesn't "send" you trials in your life. He is there to help you through them. When times are tough, it isn't because He wants you to learn a lesson or because you need to value things more deeply... He doesn't send these things your way, He walks beside you, and sometimes carries you through them until you can walk on your own. He's there to lean on when you are weak, when life has dealt you a bad set of cards, when things happen that are beyond your control. Even when you are cursing Him, He will still carry you through. That's the beauty of it all.

Infertility hurts. It hurts deeply and unless you have experienced it, you cannot fully understand the hurt that comes with it. It is the same hurt that is experienced with death. Because, in its own way, infertility is the death of an opportunity that you have dreamed of your whole life. And when you find out what you have always dreamed of cannot happen, you go through a period of grief.

I had to finally make the decision of whether I wanted to be pregnant, or if I wanted to be a mom. In my heart I knew that what I really wanted was to be someone's mom. Because of that, we chose adoption.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, I grieved the loss of the emotional and physical feelings that go along with pregnancy, of having a child that looks, talks and acts like you, of people saying "She has your nose". And I still grieve these things today. But looking at my precious daughter and the journey of a lifetime that we experienced on the path to receive her - I wouldn't change for anything. My daughter is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced, the truest love I have ever known and I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.

I am hoping today that my story of losing and finding again my faith will help others experiencing this same pain in their lives. Hang in there, stay strong, hold out hope, stay true to your faith even when you have doubt. He will carry you through to your sunny day.

*hugs and kisses to all*



Tracy said...

So, so, so true. Very good post, and I fully agree. It's strange - I was just telling (a very fertile and currently pregnant co-worker who has a one-year-old) today about the depths of my depression back in 2003/2004 when it came to infertility, and how I did not realize what I was fully experiencing at the time - not until we made the decision to adopt and those clouds lifted and continued to lift until that beautidul sunny referral day. Happiest day of my life up until the day we met Charlotte.

KHM said...

Thanks for this very honest post.
Tthis has been the most amazing journey, but that doesn't mean it was easy to get here. Some of it was excruciating. But I look at little JJ and I think of the Robert Frost poem and am so glad we made this trip!

Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Way to go Road Less Traveled!

Michelle said...

I'm still in that sad dark place. It started with the infertility but now there is so much more added to that and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I hope to one day be able to write a post like this.

But not now :(

Jenny said...

Your words were deeply moving and I thank you for your honesty. I am so happy that you are finally experiencing the joy of motherhood.

Terry said...

Heartfelt, honest thoughts and feelings. Many people are afraid to talk about the many down sides of infertility. I have been there also and dealt with many of the doubts you mention. It's hard and it hurts. I made the decision that I wanted to be a mom, more than I wanted to be pregnant. People often say I gave my children the best in life, and sometimes I just turn it around, to say that my children gave ME the greatest gift... the gift of Motherhood, I became the Mom I always wanted to be.

Thank you for being honest sharing you story, and reminding us that He helps us when we forget He is there. :-)

Ohilda said...


I literally have tears streaming down my face.

Thank you for sharing from the depths of your heart. We do serve an awesome God and although we think that sometimes he doesn't answer prayers, sometimes those unanswered prayers are the biggest blessings.


Jocelyn-Chris said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, Sara. Hurts can take a long time to heal. So glad you are experiencing joy and rekindling your faith now.

Barbara said...

Sara, even though I already had a child, everyone around me was busy building their families and having more children. I went through years of failed attempts to get pregnant again. Now that I have this beautiful daughter from China, I'm almost grateful for all the heartache I endured. If I didn't go through all of that, I wouldn't have her today

Alyson & Ford said...

So true, wonderful post! Yes, many of us have had to deal with infertility, disappointment, tragedy. But knowing that God and Jesus was there to help us with our pain; and then to deliver a daughter; just wonderful! Thank you for stepping out and writing this post.

Alyzabeth's Mommy for Ten Months!

a Tonggu Momma said...

What a beautiful post. Do you mind if I link to this on Sunday? Can you email me at tonggumomma(at)gmail(dot)com to let me know?

And you know, I've always hated the phrase "He won't give you any more than you can handle." I much prefer "He won't give you any more than HE can handle."

Blessings to you.