Monday, February 05, 2007

Ahh the joys of Depression

If there is one thing people will learn from my blog, it will be to gain a better understanding of how depression affects the mind, body and soul.
I just can't get out of this funk. I know you all are sick of reading my depressing posts every so often. But even though I don't always post about it, I live it every day.

Depression is a sick and ugly thing. It affects me more than I realize. It consumes my thoughts and possesses my mind. I cry when no one is looking because I don't want to have to explain myself. My husband asks why I am neglecting the household tasks and why my sex drive is running in the negative (sorry mom and dad - TMI). This is why. Because every day is spent yearning for this child I have imagined in my head for the last 5 years. This shadow in my thoughts that never goes away. I can't get it out of my mind. My biological clock has already exploded, been crushed by the weight of my emotions and has disintegrated into dust. I feel physically sick every day, all day. I feel selfish; I feel empty; I feel angry; I feel insecure; I feel tired. But most of all I feel insufficient. I know I will never give my husband the gift of a child bearing his genes. Never a child that people will look at and say, "Oh, he looks just like you." or "Oh, she has your eyes." Never the little red-headed princess that I dreamed of. I'll take my dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty, don't get me wrong. And I will love her like no other. But that thought is always there. It never goes away. And, right now at this time in my life, I can't push it out of the way to continue with my life. I am consumed by thoughts of a baby in my arms. I just want to be a mommy to somebody.

Those of you who have walked a mile in my shoes know exactly where I am coming from. And for those of you who don't or can't understand, I hope this can shed some light for you.

And what do I do about this? Nothing. Because if I ever want to adopt from China again, depression is not something they allow with their new regulations. So I can't go to the doctor and get medicine. Even if I did, the last medicine I was on years ago for depression did nothing but cause me to gain 30 pounds and sleep all the time. That is really good for the self-esteem and emotions.

This life right now just sucks. I don't want it. Can I just give it back and trade it in for the simple life? Why was I chosen to live the bumpy, pot-hole filled road? I just want a child to fill my empty arms. That's it. Is that too much to ask?

I am going to be in a mental institution by November. Hopefully the CCAA speeds its sorry ass up.

(For those of you wondering about my ability to mother a child after this most recent fit of rage - everything will be fine.... just fine! Once I get that precious little darling in my arms they will no longer be empty and I will be fine. I am just going insane getting to that point.)


Emmie said...

So sorry you're having such a hard time! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Kris said...

Perhaps this depression is a product of cirmcumstance, and less of chemistry- I hope that is the case, as it sounds to me like this yearning you have is incredibly strong. I can relate to many of your feelings. I was married for 6 years to the love of my life, and 2 months from referral for our first (China), he asked for a divorce. I never mourned not getting pregnant (though I can understand your feelings), but my God losing Gracen was almost as devastating as losing my husband. And 8 months later, my mom passed. So I too have struggled with depression for the last year or more, but always thought it was more related to what I was going through than my chemical make-up.

I hope when Mia is finally in your arms, these sad days will become a distant memory. This calling to motherhood is powerful and unique to women. Embrace what you are going through. I admire your ability to talk about it so openly in this forum. And that says a lot about the kind of person you are- much stronger than you give yourself credit for...

May the days fly until you become a family of three...

All the best,

Doris & Dan said...

I wish I could magically make it all go away and speed time up. The wait gets to us in all different ways. Try to change your surroundings to give yourself a fresh perspective. Talk to someone to vent the issue you are facing and feeling.

I can only say that I feel the same a lot and share a lot of the same issues. I am here for you and wish that the clouds part and the sun shines upon you.

*** HUGS***

Steffie B. said...

I know it is so hard waiting. You will be a will have a special baby chosen just for you....please hang in are more than half way can do this....I would like to say much more, but this is a blog and everyone can see.....I promise you, once you are in China getting your precious gift....this will all be a distant memory! I think you are going to be a great Mom! ;)

Valeri said...


I know exactly what you are going through. I always feel like a failure because I will never be able to give Ron a biological child. Ron always assures me that it's alright, but I can't keep dwelling on it in my heart. This sort of depression is not someting that most people can realize. People do not realize how it just overtakes every fiber of our being. There are times when I've felt like a complete zombie from the depression of things. Our need to be a mother encompasses ever shred of our minds. Unfortunately we have to live with this grief and misery every day. Please know that I am always here for you, no matter what. Don't hesitate to contact me. (((HUGS))) You're going to be the most awesome Mom in the world!!!!!!!!

Dawn and Dale said...

(((Hugs))) Sara

Oh I'm sooo sorry you are feeling so down. I love your honesty and courage to post about your feelings so freely. You're going to be an amazing mommy soon!! Keep the faith!!

Shannon said...

The IF feelings come and go. I wonder if they will ever truly go away. The A-parent undexpected rollercoaster on top of that is sometimes just too much. I hear you and feel your pain. Here's to hoping it ends sooner than later.

Karen said...

You are not alone! I think that the extended wait of the adoption definetely tends to bring about those old depressing IF times, and makes you feel hopeless and more down than ever. I cry a minimum of once a week, so you are not alone!!! It SUXXXXXX!


nikki said...

Sorry you are feeling so blue.
Wish I had some wonderful words to comfort you, but unfortunately I know from experience that words don't really help...but I think you can see that you are certainly not alone and I remember that being somewhat helpful.
Waiting for your sweet baby is the hardest thing you will ever do...but the waiting will NOT last forever (tho it may feel like it)
Rely on the people who love you to help you get thru this time...