Thursday, May 01, 2008

15 years???

This year is my 15 year high School Reunion! Holy Crap! Where did those 15 years go?

I am freaking out about this. Why? not because I have gained 60 lbs since graduation (mostly due to infertility and depression!!!)... not because I can't stand the people I graduated with... It is because at our 10 year reunion it hit me in the face. These people I graduated high school with already have 3-4 kids. It is really depressing. I have been so stressed out about this-- I can't even begin to tell you. I really don't think I am going to go. I know I will end up crying the whole drive there and the whole drive home. I tried to explain this to my cousin/bff/classmate when I went to see her last weekend. Her reply - "There will be activities when people won't bring their kids! Just come to those!" And I know that! But the thought still irks me. Just seeing these people who are my age who have so easily popped out their kids hurts me. It was difficult for me to go and visit her last weekend with her two beautiful kids. I love them to death but it hurts me. And it is nothing they have done or anything they can help. but I can't get past the feelings of having empty arms after 15 years!

Me (on the left), my friend Michelle and My bff Emily (who I went to see last weekend!)

My class at Graduation. I am on the far left 2nd row from the bottom. And, ironically, my husband's brother is standing right next to me on the same row. Click on this pic to see bigger.

Our 10 year reunion. I am in the middle row turquoise shirt.


Briana's Mom said...

I completely understand what you are feeling. What you said in this post is exactly what I could have said myself before Briana entered my life.

When I was in the middle of my infertility treatments (four years) and on the adoption track (two more years), my heart broke every time I heard someone was pregnant. And when I would hear it was a third or fourth child coming, it was pure agony.

The way that I handled situations like reunions, showers, birthday parties, etc, was to just stay away from them. It was my best way of coping. I needed to protect my heart and emotional state. If it ended up making someone upset with me - then so be it - maybe they weren't a real friend in the first place. Don't feel bad if you decide not to go to this reunion. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for deciding not to go. You need to do what is best for you. People who have not experienced the yearning for a child simply do not understand. They just don't and they never will.

I wish I could take the pain away for you. But what I can tell you, when you do see that picture on your beautiful baby referral day, every minute of this excruciating wait will be worth it. I promise - I really do.

Mom of 5 said...

I feel so bad-wish your arms were not empty !
I think of you so often. You are such a sweet person.
My thoughts are with you.

Tamara said...

How great that you've been able to continue to know so many from high school! I moved so much that I really just held onto the best friends from each spot. I wish I had that continuity.

I'm sorry, its hard to see others having what we want so much but don't. I always try to consider the imperfect bits of me badges of actually living life (it works ummm...sometimes). I hope Mia comes soon for you too.

Valeri said...

(((((HUGS)))))I know how you feel. I didn't go to my 15th year reunion either last year.

Luckily for me, a lot of my high school friends are not married. They always tell me that they're jealous that I have a wonderful marriage. They would kill for a good man.

Kramer said...

My heart goes out to you. When I had my 10 year reunion I had those same feeling. Everyone shared photos of their kids and it was so hard to smile and seem happy for them. For some reason no one got our 15 year reunion together (didn't hurt my feelings). I am just praying that our sweet little girl will be home for the 20 year reunion. Hang in there!

redmaryjanes said...

15 years? You are still a baby! I tell you, sometimes life seems to take forever and sometimes if flies by.
Hope all is well with you!

Ron said...

Wow, 15 years. That means I'm out 17 years. It's nice how your class seems close.

I have never, nor will I ever attend a reunion. I wasn't friends with most of them then, why should I socialize now?

Journey to Mia Lynn: said...

Girl, If it is important to you in any way, the reunion I mean, then go as you know it will only come around once. However, if you could care less & you are only considering going because you feel obligated, don't go. My point is, do whatever is best for you, your heart & your emotional self. You know as well as I do, just going to the non-children related events the questions will still come, "Now, how many kids do you & Brian have now?" UGH! It is just the way those kinds of things work. Maybe I am not being the cheerleader that you need here all encouraging & such, but I am all about honesty & just putting it out there. I mean, we could use some of that around the world of China IA these days, huh? Whatever you do, do it for you! Jen P.

AdoptFosterMom said...

Wow, that means next year will be my 15 yr reunion and something I'm not looking forward to either. I know how you feel and protect your heart and do what you feel is right!